7 Reasons Star Wars: The Force Awakens Sucked

"The fans might actually like sexy protagonists, fire these losers and get me a cloned garbage man!"

I wasn't going to bother updating my blog to rant and rave about Star Wars: The Force Awakens. No, I was merely going to file it under "Painfully Inadequate Modern Hollywood Remakes" and get on with my life. Sadly I was moved into action when I woke up this morning to a story about how Kevin Smith loves Star Wars VII.

 So I find myself at odds with a respected director, actor, and writer who apparently knows everything there is to know about Star Wars and absolutely loved the new movie. Unfortunately I disagree for about 100 reasons, but for the sake of brevity I cut it down to the 7 things that made my inner Comic Book Guy shriek with rage. Spoilers... obviously.

"If these bastards don't open that plastic Amazon clam-shell its going in the fucking trash."

1.  It Was Basically a Remake.

Yes it was. It was largely the story from Episodes 3 and 4 rolled into one. An original movie? No chance. Stop me if you have heard this plot before. Through little effort of his/her own, a recently orphaned desert dwelling nomad quickly finds himself/herself embroiled in a plot to battle against a massive galactic empire. Said orphan is young and inexperienced but has a good heart and soon takes to the quest with  gusto, befriending a handsome/geriatric smuggler and a Wookiee. The orphan gets followed around by a cute droid all of the time and the young orphan can speak droid fluently. At some point, the young desert orphan makes friends with a bearded old bloke in a dressing gown. Meanwhile the evil empire has built a massive ship that can destroy whole planets with  ease, but fortunately they left another weak spot uncovered so we all know how that's going to end up...

"If that punk kid can fight Kylo Ren I fancy my chances too."

2.  Instant Jedi.

Becoming a Jedi takes years of patient training, we all know this. At least a decade as a Padawan, often longer. Training with a master, before attending a trial (which may be skipped in rare circumstances) and finally graduating from Jedi Academy. Sort of like joining the Green Berets but a bit more pansy. It took the might Luke Skywalker months of training to skillfully wield the force. Qui-Gonn Jin can subtly manipulate the minds of weak men thanks to 30 years of training. In this movie, Rey manages to completely mindfuck a Stormtrooper in moments with absolutely no training at all. If it was that fucking easy, why isn't everyone at it? No training, no subtle suggestions or hand movements, just the Star Wars equivalent of being barked at by a Drill Sergeant, which leads nicely to my next point.

3. Puny Dark Side

The band of ill-trained misfits easily defeated Kylo Ren and the First Order in lightsaber combat, as they had once spoken to a man who knew a guy that owned one.

If rare individuals can wield the force like a sledgehammer, imagine what type of things one trained for decades can do eh? I mean, lets say, a kid with the DNA of Luke Skywalker and a strapping robust father like Han Solo. Well Kylo Ren was all over the place with his abilities, certainly he was less useful than the untrained orphan. One moment, he is actually stopping blaster bolts in mid air with little effort (which begs the  question why they bothered blocking them in the last 6  films.) An hour later and he cant even pull a lightsaber towards him with any ease. And that reminds me, remember when Luke pulls the saber a few feet with great effort in Empire Strikes Back? Well Rey has fucking mastered that, and she never got any rudimentary training from Obi Wan. In fact, she is so good at it she pulls the fucker towards her with the speed of Thor's hammer. Kylo Ren thought it was headed for him but what does that fool know eh? He was only trained by Luke Skywalker for years before handing the reins over to a (presumably at least equally skillful) Dark Master.

4. The Fucking Bowcaster

"Fuck this stick, If that skinny pensioner can use the Bowcaster I shall wield one too"

Every nerd knows  that the denizens of Kashyyyk are the only ones strong enough to wield a Bowcaster, the magnetic propulsion crossbow used by the enormous Wookiees. In fact, according to the Star Wars RPG, humans are incapable of actually cocking a bowcaster. And this makes sense, considering they are all enormous towering balls of fur and death. Well, apparently Han Solo, a slight, 70 something who should be well into retirement, he can fire one easily. Piece of piss in fact, because he never misses moving targets while under fire. Perhaps this is a weaker version and only hits with the force of a Nerf Gun? Well no, because it scatters armored 220lb. Stormtroopers across the battlefield with consummate ease. And Han exclaims "I like this thing!" which suggests he has never fired the fucking weapon despite 50 years of adventuring with his chum. I only worked with the Foreign Legion twice and the first thing I did was fire a FAMAS, so I call bullshit. Which brings me to the next point... 

5. Cheap Throwaway Lines Raping the Canon

"Ok kids, we know you millennials don't like the training part so fuck it, we are just giving these things out."  

A little humor is great in a film like this, not only because it reminds nerds of the comics. Plus, its also true, a little gallows humor is commonplace in all of the worlds military organizations worth their salt. The issue with the humor in SW7 is that there is far too much of it, and most importantly it completely contradicts the canon, as well as common sense. Han has never once touched Chewie's weapon? Stormtroopers, genetically enhanced and brainwashed from birth, yeah they get those Stormtroopers to work sanitation. It was like a cheap throwaway line from Under Siege (he's just a cook!) but it has real concerns form me. Why not get droids to do it? Do Navy SEALS specialize in sanitation as well? And why would someone born and raised in such conditions, without even having a name, be so witty and urbane, and ask girls about their "cute boyfriends?"

6. No Lightsabers?! 

How can they have a Star Wars movie so lacking in lightsaber fights? Seriously even shitty video game companies have done some absolutely top notch fights involving everyone's favorite energy weapons. If you have never seen these awesome short videos before, you are very welcome.

Fast, furious, exciting, and pretty lengthy. I counted one actual lightsaber dual in that movie, the showdown in the snow with Kylo Ren. And it certainly wasn't as good as any of the action highlighted above. It was not only ridiculous, it was dull. And why was it ridiculous?

7. Fencing Professionals Required; No Experience Necessary

"How does this thing work again GrampaAAARRRGG!!"

It is not hard to imagine that fighting with something as dangerous as a lightsaber would require decades of training, I had a go at fencing once when I was in school and I almost gouged my eye out. I could probably deflect three  swings tops. Unlike blunt fencing blades, lightsabers are capable of cutting through 4 feet of steel, they can go through bone like butter. Both Rey and Finn literally picked them up off the floor and not only avoided cutting their own fucking limbs off, but managed to fight and defeat Kylo Ren. The injury in his side at least made the struggle somewhat less ridiculous, but it was still beyond stupid. I wouldn't be comfortable swinging an actual lightsaber around practicing in my garage, I certainly wouldn't be able to deflect multiple extremely fast blows from a youthful antagonist with two decades of training.

Anyway, I didn't hate it, I would give It a steady 2/5. It certainly looked and sounded great in 3D IMAX, but the story was lame and was filled with contradictions, childish humor, and general idiocy. I'm stunned by the universal acclaim, particularly from fellow fans, and obvioiusly by fans I mean those actually bought Genndy Tartakovskys version on DVD, and read many of the novels and comics, not merely those jumping on the media bandwagon. I have yet to meet another cynic so anybody who actually knows the lore and still loves it, please comment below and enlighten me.

I welcome healthy debate, sensible criticism, and full on insults and arguments alike!