I was motivated to update my often ignored blog today after a hilarious (infuriating) experience with those cheery chaps at UPS. And by cheery chaps, I do of course mean, the fucking mafia in brown shorts.
I sent a few boxes of junk over from England a month back, and it cost me $500 to do so. Fairly steep, but it very slightly cheaper than FED-Ex, and It was "Express" shipping, so I thought why not.
When UPS say, and charge you for, express shipping, what they really mean is "Unlikely to beat you home, even if you go on the piss in Manchester and Copenhagen for a week, then use a fucking kayak to cross the Atlantic Ocean"
The shipment was not here when I arrived in California ten days later, which puzzled me, so I gave them a call. After several lengthy delays, I was told that I had to "provide more information" so they would release my stuff. I asked them what this was, and they said "paperwork confirming the contents of the boxes"
I then explained that I had handed it all to a bespectacled and very confused looking young driver when I shipped everything. When I told them I handed said paperwork over to the UPS driver upon shipping my stuff and he stopped to called his boss right in front of me because he was (in his own words) "new and didn't really know what was going on" they said "I am sure it is fine then, I will let them know and have your things sent out"
Ten days later, so a good three weeks late, my things arrived, and the previously immaculate boxes looked like this.
Yes that's right, the brand-new three walled box looked like it had been thrown out of the plane at 30,000 feet, landed in a swamp, and then been savaged by tigers. UPS obviously rescued it at some point, then attached a tow-rope and dragged it across 800 miles of tarmac to my house.
Needless to say, everything inside was beyond fucked, but the fun wasn't over yet.
A week later, I received a bill for $184.42 for warehouse charges.
Which is peculiar, because judging by the boxes, they didn't go anywhere near a fucking warehouse, at best they were kept underneath a tree in particularly damp part of the United States, and at worst they tipped all of my belongings out, filled it with sheep entrails, and let a pack of wolves try and tear their way into lunch.
I attempted to call and argue the point, and after explaining why I was somewhat perturbed by the fee, was put on hold for a very lengthy period of time. Finally I spoke to another woman, who gave me two other numbers to call, one to dispute the charge, and one to complain about lateness, damage, and tigers/wolves.
Attempting to call 6 times over a period of about 5 days, all I ever got was an answering machine. Numerous messages were left, nobody called back. Finally, concerned about the "late payment fees" I thought "Fuck it, I'll pay them or the fee will increase/Fat Tony will come round and nail my hands to the kitchen fucking table."
When I called the same number as before, but hit the key for "payments" rather than "complaints" instead of a 30 minute hold/answering machine, I was instantly greeted by a chirpy young lady, and after merely giving her the invoice number, I had paid the bill in full in less than a minute.
After being fucked around so incessantly for weeks, I was stunned into total subordination. I even thanked her for taking all of my money, and said "wasn't she nice dear?" as I hung up the phone.
Only later did it dawn on me that she was basically fisting me.
Clearly the technique is a good one. Hold your packages for several weeks for no discernible reason (I did not need to fill in any extra paperwork) so you are so relieved when they finally arrive (you thought your belongings were lost at sea) you do not bother to complain about the fact it looks as if your belongings were subjected to a prison rape.
Then, a week later, send you a bill, saying that because your stuff was "warehoused" you owe them $200.
Its genius. And frankly, why $200!? I do not believe they were in a warehouse, everything was wet and fucked, but even if they were, inanimate objects do not require fucking feeding. Did they get breakfast? Did they use the electricity? Why the fuck does it cost 200 bucks to leave some boxes inside a building?
So there we have it. Staggering incompetence, casual destruction of fragile items, 3 weeks late, and extra charges to boot. The only time that UPS did show some competence, was when they were taking more money off me, and to be fair, then they were polite, diligent, and ultra quick to answer the phone. They could only have been more helpful if a guy had shown up to help me count the money in person seconds after I made the call, then mowed the fucking lawn on his way back down the driveway.
