How to avoid being as popular as erectile disfunction in 2014. 

I started this bright and sunny morning in the same manner as so many others in the modern age, by logging in to Facebook so I could start the day bright eyed, bushy tailed, and filled with rage and spite. A friend sent me a photograph of a girls Facebook page today, and her status for New Years Eve read something akin to this. 

This year I got a promotion at work, I got a new car, I got a new house, I had a holiday in Australia and my gorgeous and talented son came top of his class, go me!

 

After I was done gouging my own eyeballs out, I decided to ring in the New Year with a short introduction to online ethics, something I wouldn't have thought necessary in 2014, but apparently the internet savvy youth of today have the social graces of a convicted rapist with Tourette syndrome. 

If anybody has a differing viewpoint, feel free to share it with me below, at which point I will delete it and the normal humans can get back to socializing without looking like a twat. 

Something I learned at a very early age, I think I was perhaps 4 or 5 years old, was that bragging is an instant way to stir up dislike. If someone ever told me I did something well and I gratefully accepted the compliment, it seemed to almost instantly cool the air around me, indeed, my own parents would always tell me that nobody likes people that brag, and if ever I forgot the lessons of my Father he would reinforce them in a most ingenious manner that could be used to good effect in modern schools, by smashing my arse to bits with a flip-flop.  

Anyway, fast forward to 2013 and it appears that many peoples parents didn't bother to point this trivial stuff out. In fact, judging by the behaviour of the average twenty something today they also seem to have skipped several other vital lessons regarding personal hygiene, such as "wash occasionally" and "don't brush your teeth with stout" 

In a nutshell, absolutely everybody hates a braggart, even if the bragging is well placed. For example, several sports stars are famous for bragging, and at least in those cases they are almost always perfectly within their rights to do so. If David Beckham decided to announce that he was excellent at crossing a ball, or Sebastian Vettel decided to call a press conference to announce that he was confident he could parallel park better than Ray Charles, there would be little disagreement, but people would still grumble and say things like "Beckham doesn't just dress like a tit, he actually is one."

So as we move into the New Year, remember that if you wish to be popular in 2014 you should try and practice a little humility. Beckham is actually supposed to be a nice guy, so Im sure even if you did start extolling his virtues, he would say something like "Oh thanks, but I'm sure you could do it if you trained hard and practiced" 

He would obviously be lying, but the point is a simple one, even if if you are absolutely convinced that you are a paragon of virtue and talent, at least trying to pretend that you aren't even for a little while will show people that you aren't as unwelcome as a bastard at a family reunion. 

Sure false humility and modesty may be a little dishonest, but it is almost always preferable to the belief that the motley collection of almost strangers that make up your circle of friends in cyberspace actually give a flying fuck about how handsome your husband is, or where you decided to go on holiday. 

Always Outraged, All of the Time.

As the year comes to a close, the news has been following the same familiar pattern of outrage and despair over trivial things, which is strange because the world is replete with things that people should actually be getting outraged about. Yes, it is all well and good pointing out that babies are getting raped and teenage girls are having their genitals hacked to bits by their relatives because they think that Allah wants to rethink the whole clitoris thing, but according to the local news such things pale into insignificance when compared to the fact that occasionally people say silly things very quietly. 


I am of course referring to the fact that the England cricketer Graeme Swann was lambasted last week for commenting on his brothers Facebook page that the national team had just been "raped" in Australia. He didn't call a press conference and announce that rape should be legalised, or perhaps write a column in the Daily Mail and extol the virtues of horsing one into a stranger and hoping they didn't notice, no, he simply told his brother that his team had been "raped" via Facebook, and this somehow saw him placed on a pedestal alongside Fred West. Oddly, it seems that the casual use of the word rape as a slang term for being soundly thrashed is pretty common in this day and age, and I recall a football commentator being similarly pilloried a few years back for saying a player had raped another when he left him in his dust on the wing. It must be a storm in a teacup, because using a word casually obviously doesn't mean that you endorse the meaning of the word. This is evidenced by the fact that my grandmother often says "Bugger me!" but still has never been given the shock of her life by a passing stranger. 


 The Chinese are outraged that the Japanese Prime Minister went to visit a grave. It seems a tad hypocritical to complain about such a thing when the Chinese are currently almost as famous for torture and state sanctioned murder as they are for sweet and sour sauce. Not that I would like to endorse the truly awful behaviour of the Japanese during the Second World War, but it seems a bit silly to get so offended about a guy visiting a grave, when this type of thing is still actually happening today. The Chinese apparently had more prisoners killed during 2013 than the rest of the world put together. This would not actually be such a big deal if they at least ensured that the people they were hanging or shooting had actually done something wrong, but apparently the Chinese Police are about as thorough as a partially sighted private investigator with a drink problem. On that note, the United States has seen capital punishment decrease by around 10 percent this year, which is actually a pretty sad thing in my eyes because they have due process. 


 Plenty of people get outraged about that as well, and like to whinge about how cruel it is to kill people merely for doing things that are so monstrous Peter Mandelson would blush if he was asked to watch. The whole thing would only be cruel if the state was murdering convicts via the medium of crucifixion, and they were always left to hang by their recently nailed wrists in front of a big screen TV that was playing "Dude, Where's My Car?" on loop. Those limp wristed hand wringing always outraged types also claim that even if the process of elimination was entirely painless, the knowledge of their eventual demise is a form of emotional torture all of its own, and nobody should ever have to endure the knowledge that they will soon be killed. If mental cruelty is such a big deal, surely the most humane way of doing things would be to tell the convict that they were pencilled in to be killed with lethal injection in October 2034, and then quietly sneak in at 4am that morning and shoot them in the head?

 The people of Catalonia are outraged because a Spanish copper poked fun at them by asking if they would prefer to be ravaged by infantry or tanks if they voted for independence. The fact that the whole thing was clearly meant to be taken in a lighthearted manner and was prefaced by the word "humour" apparently being lost on all of those poor souls that are desperate to be offended all of the time on Twitter, which of all the social media tools seems to be the most pathetic and hand wringing. 

 I even saw an outraged feminist on Twitter complaining about supermarkets selling FHM because they have semi naked women on the cover, as if FHM is demeaning to women! If anything FHM is demeaning to men, because from the outside it actually looks like it might be worth reading, but when you open it you don't even get to see any nipples, and certainly no crotch shots. As such, the magazine is an appalling halfway house located somewhere between a pornographic magazine and a novel. Its far too tame for a hand shandy, and far too dull to read. In fact I would rather read the back of a toothpaste tube while sat on the toilet, and If I ever need some quick relief, Id be better off trying to fap one out using the Virgin Atlantic brochure.

 It all seems a little unfair considering I haven't heard any of the so called "Meninists" complaining about the fact that girly or gay magazines have much more much male nudity on the cover, to the point where full blown nudity is acceptable as long as they hide the guys bellend behind a rolled up magazine. Which begs the question, if some fully naked footballer was adorning to cover of a magazine, but was using FHM to hide one of his testicles, would the rolled up magazine cover be more offensive than the publication itself?

 Regardless, as we move into 2014, my new years resolution is to not get as offended by people who are always offended. Fortunately, my resolutions only ever last a week, so I will be able to blog my rage and spite into 2014 with few issues.  

 Happy New Year fellow ragers, and let us hope that 2014 is as much of a mess as 2013. 

I read a great article by COLONEL TIM COLLINS today. The fact that it appeared in the Daily Mail should in no way invalidate the fact that the man made a very pertinent point. 

The most important thing to point out, is that I am not one of those in the "buy Marine A several pints and then throw a flaming pigs head through the window of my local Mosque" camp.

Obviously the Royal Marine in question should be punished, to say that he should be "given a medal" like the stereotypically silly but no doubt enthusiastic Daily Mail readers who enjoy top billing in the best rated comments section is entirely absurd. Killing a prisoner is entirely unprofessional and it cheapens the deeds of all the soldiers that fight on the part of the coalition, to say otherwise tacitly endorses the behavior of the Nazis, who because they were shitting themselves when Marine As forebears were sneaking around cutting their throats and blowing shit up, had Hitler issue a proclamation that all captured commandos were to be instantly executed rather than taken prisoner. 

But to refute the words of this lack-witted and typically overpaid "Sir" murder isn't always murder.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-24888089

Yes, according to Sir Nicolas Houghton, who speaks as though he has several plums jammed in his mouth and has probably never been anywhere near a Taliban insurgent, "Murder is murder, this is a heinous crime"

Indeed, if he spent any time in Afghanistan he will have been sat so far in the rear that his laundry will have been getting sent forwards. Andrew Marr was sensible enough to point out the glaringly fucking obvious, that the case is nothing like a random killing on the streets of London, but thats by the by. The point is, almost everything Houghton said flys in the face of common sense, and almost everyone who is listening to him knows it.

Indeed, history is replete with instances where the masses collectively conclude that murder isn't murder, it happens regularly and often. Take this one from last year for example. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/18/father-killed-jesus-mora-flores-molested-daughter_n_1605279.html

The man who police in Texas say was killed after sexually assaulting a rancher's daughter was identified over the weekend.

Jesus Mora Flores was reportedly beaten to death on June 9 after a 23-year-old father found his 4-year-old daughter half naked with Flores at their ranch on the outskirts of Shiner, officers told CNN.

Lavaca County sheriff's deputies told the station that the unnamed father had sent his daughter and her brother off to feed the family's chickens. A little while later, the boy returned and told his dad that someone had taken his sister.

The father then found 47-year-old Flores -- who came to the ranch with a family friend -- sexually abusing his daughter and allegedly beat him to death with his fists. 

I would like to ask Prize Fuckhead, sorry.... Houghton, exactly how he can make such a black and white decision, when we live in a world of myriad shades of grey.

 If murder is murder, why was the Texas father above not sent to prison for life? And he beat the guy to death with his fists. If anyone doesnt know, that takes some serious, sustained effort, if pulling a trigger is easy, taking someone apart with your bare hands is monumentally hard graft. Why was he not charged? Why does anyone ever get less than the maximum sentence for taking another individual's life? Why does the term manslaughter even exist? If murder is murder, surely nobody is ever even remotely justified in taking another persons life, in fact, if Nicolas is so sure that murder is murder, how can it ever be excused? Policemen, soldiers, victims of horrific crimes, the mentally ill, surely all must be judged equally harshly?

It is painfully obvious to anybody that reads about the story that a man who kills a badly wounded enemy combatant in a terribly stressful situation, indeed, in a fucking war, is absolutely nothing like Ian Huntley killing children, or Peter Sutcliffe driving around twatting prostitutes with a hammer. If we lock people up for two primary reasons, rehabilitation and to protect the public, what is the point in caging this man for 25 years, who will he be a danger to if he is released?

 That the people who run the show back home can sit and make such stupid comments infuriates me. It shouldn't take a nobody to point this shit out, how can anyone in a position of authority make such a obviously ridiculous statement? He may have attempted to justify his ridiculous fence sitting with the caveat that he wasn't against the judicial process showing some form of leniency, but now is not the time for fence sitting, leaders should lead, not sit on their hands and bow to the norms of political correctness that absolutely nobody likes anyway. 

Marine A should be locked up, of course he should. The wider world needs to know that we hold our soldiers accountable, and most importantly, British soldiers need to be motivated to do the right thing, if they are well aware that some jail time would be on the cards if they started executing prisoners, than even the most pissed off soldier will think twice, but life? Surely a couple of years will achieve all of these aims?

The public will know the score, the soldier will be chastened, and everybody takes something away from the whole sorry affair. Consider the alternative if Marine A gets a life term. He will have been judged to be as malevolent and as guilty as the human toilet that decapitated Lee Rigby on the streets of London in cold blood, a truly awful murder that chilled the blood of even a callous battle hardened prick like me. 

And if that happens, if he is treated with the same disdain regardless of any and all mitigating circumstances, then up is down, left is right, and this topsy turvy PC world of ours makes even less sense than it does already.

And considering that the TV show "Lost" proved to be popular and won numerous awards, this fucked up world is confused enough already.    

A Hilarious look at the always funny topic of taxes. 

Actually, as you might have expected, this story isnt funny at all, in fact, it is terribly annoying, because lets be honest, prostitutes work very fucking hard for their money.

They also do some very hard fucking for money.. Haha!

 Sorry.... here is the story.

http://metro.co.uk/2013/10/07/student-who-made-1000-a-night-as-high-class-escort-to-fund-masters-degree-ordered-to-pay-175000-in-tax-4137954/

For those of you who are work blocked and cant open links because you are wisely reading this blog instead of doing something infinitely less interesting, here is the story in a nutshell.

A student who made more than £300,000 as an escort to wealthy clients without paying a penny in tax has been ordered to hand over nearly £175,000 or face prison.

Donna Asutaits, who has already served a 16-month jail sentence for tax evasion, will be given another two-and-a-half years if she fails to produce the money.

The 30-year-old filed no tax returns while working as an escort as she studied for a master’s degree.

She earned £1,000 a night and was buying an apartment in Knightsbridge, central London, prosecutor Jonathan Polnay said.

‘This defendant was working for years as an escort and in that job she received significant sums,’ he told Southwark crown court.

‘The deposit on her flat on Brompton Road, of £110,000, was paid in cash by the defendant, so clearly that money was available as profit.’

Judge Peter Testar told Asutaits, who was watching from the public gallery, to pay £120,000 and £54,243 in court costs.

So there you have it, basically, the British government says that prostitution is illegal, but if they catch you doing it successfully, then you best pay that pimp Osbourne his muthafuckin money bitch!

I mean really, I' not saying that she shouldn't be punished in some way, and yes that should involve some form of money changing hands, but £175,000!? If she made 300k, you are talking about Alan Sugar style income tax payments, you know.. that whole, 40% tax rate plus 12.5% national insurance or whatever the fuck it is. What support did they give her? What help did she receive? How did they in any way contribute to her efforts? She used her initiative, set up her own business, and proceeded to work very hard, noshing old men off, and doing other disgusting things that no member of parliament would ever dream of doing.

Well, except maybe Peter Mandelson obviously.

Not that I am aware of the exact figure some who earns £300,000 a year usually pays in tax, because I am the son of a welder from Middlesbrough and I joined the military, which means I have always had about as much money as a Somalian shoe shine boy. Unless we are talking about a Somalian shoe shine boy who turns up in London of course, because according to the Daily Mail he will be given a £3 million house to live in, and a special book of coupons so he can take his 40 children into Waitrose and empty all the shelves without paying for anything. A bit like on Supermarket Sweep, but with 38 more contestants who are all malnourished and black.

But doesn't it leave a bit of a disgusting taste in your mouth? I always used to wonder why my grandad would always complain about everything when I was a teenager. He would sit and smoke heavily and say bad things about.. well.. absolutely everything, but particularly the government and the tax man. And in my naivety I used to argue with him and tell him that taxes were good because they get spent on sensible things like, schools, policemen, teachers, firemen, trains, roads, and everything else.

And lo and behold, fast forward 15 years and here I am, dripping my tits off and sounding just like my grandad, except 30 fucking years earlier than him.. I blame the internet and the steady unending source on information that I sift through every day.

 I've been trawling the news since I started writing a blog, and frankly, I'd rather pick my way through the bins outside a local wanking theatre.

 I'm taking one for the team here, theres no sense in us all reading them.

Here's the rub... the government don't spend the taxes on anything sensible! Now I understand these fiscal conservatives and these government cynics, because the morons that tax us don't spend said taxes on anything worth paying for. Seriously, pick up the paper and look where the collection of sleazy lawyers that make up our leaders spend our taxes, and I won't even mention paying for Mick Philpotts fags, booze, and petrol.

 Im talking about really really stupid shit, and even the public sector workers aren't proper public sector workers anymore. Under the Labour party they hired an extra million, thats right, a million, but they weren't the type of workers that spring to mind when you mention the Public Sector, things that people know you actually need, you know.. the old fashioned ones, like teachers and nurses and street sweepers. No, the recent employees are things like "sensitivity training officers" (Eh?!) and fucking "youth and community support organisers" or as I like to call them, ridiculous non-jobs to buy votes from people who know they have just been given a salary without having to actually do anything.

 And at least in the old days you got something back for your money, if the king took one of your 50 sacks of carrots as tax, you would something back, be it protection from raiders or an audience with him once a month, what the fuck do modern workers get off the government ever?

 Literally ever? Can you think of anything you were ever given for free? All they do is take, take take take. Every single thing I have ever asked them for I have had to pay for, think hard.... prescriptions? Pay. Parking? Pay. Need a copy of your birth certificate? Pay. Planning permission? Pay. Need a library card? Pay. Pay. Pay. Pay. I needed a police letter for a Visa, they didn't say "Oh you have paid taxes for 19 years and never ever took a penny from the system, have it for free" they said "£60 Please"

 I mean, at least they said please, but Id rather they said "£59 shit head"

And by the way, The Boston Tea party and the American Revolution apparently took place over a 2% tax.

 Yes, 2%.  Imagine what those lads would make of paying 25% income tax and 9% sales tax (California) on top for a cup of coffee. If George Washington had told Samuel Adams he would be getting stuck for 34% of his income when they started the fucking war, he would have physically shit himself in front of the bloke and then went cap in hand back to the King and asked him for a job.

I know I would have done, considering I would suck George Osborne off for a tax rebate. Although, this government would probably want to tax said tax rebate, because after all, the government pimp wants his money for prostitution work.....

My Father loved his country because he wanted to drink rum and visit prostitutes. 

Before I start on the situation in America, I have to mention Ed Miliband again. 

As a man who completed 5 operational tours of duty and ten years service with the Royal Marines, I feel I can speak with some authority about the myth that politicians love to endlessly harp on about, that if you ever served in the military you somehow by default, become a flag waving patriot.

 I say this, because all we have had shoved down our throats all week is Yvette Cooper, Ed Miliband, Alastair Campbell, and every other politician with vocal chords, harping on about it. Just watch this ridiculous video for a quick idea of what I am talking about... 

Yes, apparently even though he was a self confessed Marxist and a communist who despised the Monarchy and actually wanted Britain to LOSE a war (Falklands), because he was in the Navy for a bit.. he loved Great Britain, always watched the Queens Speech, had a penchant for bowler hats and whippets and kept a painting of the PM above the fireplace.

It is absolute nonsense, yet nobody in the media seems happy to talk about it, I presume for fear of offending servicemen.

There are only a few types of people that join the military. There are those who join because it is a family trade and they come from a military background. There are those that join because they feel they will get a benefit from it, and they aren't completely against the idea, and these are the most common, it could be for a scholarship, for passage through University, or simply because they might get a trade or some essential training that will benefit them in the long run. There are lots of people who just need a job (also common) and then finally there are those that want a legal means of killing people. I am ashamed to say that when I was 17, I read about the Luxor Tourist Massacre (google it) and was filled with such childlike rage that I wanted to do just that, I wanted to be a green beret, get a gun, and shoot the mother fuckers that rape and kill and decapitate babies in front of their parents. Sure it was an immature and simplistic worldview that I soon grew out of, but that's by the by. 

The point is, you join the military because it benefits YOU. You go for money, for training, because you think it will be fun, because you want to travel, because you think you will look cool, because you like the uniform, the reason is entirely immaterial, but the point is, nobody says "Ok I don't want to leave home, and I really want to take that position at the bank with the six figure salary, and I hate being away from my family and I can't swim, but fuck It, I love the Queen, so I'll join the Navy" 

You can be a rampant communist, a marxist, a man who loathes all of the institutions in Great Britain and used to write letters to his infant son forcing his extremist agenda onto the boy at a young age, and you can still join the Royal Navy. Adolph Miliband was and did, all of these things, and no doubt joined the Navy because he got something out of it. No shame in that of course, but the point is, your military service says absolutely nothing about you personally or politically, and Red Ed should stop waving his fathers paltry service around like a banner proving his devotion the British people when he was raised from a young age to hate everything about all of the major institutions in this country.

If you are interested, you can learn more about Adolph and Ed from Newsnight here. 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/newsnight/9028591.stm

Other than that, the biggest story of the past week was obviously the fact that the US government closed all of their non-essential operations on Tuesday after Congress failed to agree a new budget. Amusingly, (and cringingly) the bloke in charge of the Republicans likes to cry in public all the time, which is good to know, because he will have had plenty of practice for the inevitable tears that will flow when the voters promptly fuck his party for their actions come the next election. The thing is, fighting so hard against the healthcare reforms might seem a good idea to him because it plays to the hardcore 20% of Republicans that are dead against the reforms, but 20% of a vote doesn't win an election, except possibly an Italian one, because over there the guy with the least votes can actually win by sending the mafia around your house to set the bins on fire. 

The Republicans went all out to win the bible thumper vote last Presidential Election, succeeded staggeringly well by all accounts, and still got beat.

To a sensible party leadership, this would seem to indicate that they should drag themselves away from a base that isn't large enough to secure a victory. Namely, the small percentage of Americans that are absolutely brimming with Jesus Juice, to the point that common sense gets fucked off right out the window and stored underneath an anti-abortion pamphlet with a picture of a fully formed, hairy, two week old fetus doing a crossword in his mothers womb. 

The best part is, the Republicans were absolutely convinced they were going to win the last election, because they only watch right wing programing. If you watched Fox, they basically said "Oh yeah well, Obama might be 15 points clear in California, but that is just biased figures from liberals, and Romney will actually take the state by 3-4". Lo and behold, he didn't, and what happened? 

They were fucking amazed even though pretty much everyone outside America, and indeed the party, knew exactly what was going to happen.

The point is, I dont even like Obama, I am pretty right of center on a personal level, but I couldn't bring myself to vote for anyone who endlessly crows on about their faith because it has no place in legislature. Even the majority of American Christians say such a thing, but Republican Senators are all at it. Even Ron Paul, who seemed ok on the surface, was filmed in 2007 talking about how evolution was  "just a theory" proving that you don't need to go to school to be a fucking Congressman in the United States.

I would love to see a hard-ass military man like McCain in charge, but not if he is brandishing his big book of desert fables while he orates. I have absolutely no time for it, and clearly neither does the vast majority of conservative Americans. It's clear that to have a chance next election, someone needs to drag the Republicans away from the Bible, and closer to sensible, slightly right of center conservative values, because until that happens, the dems are just going to be playing on easy mode, and Boehner might think this shit is going to swing him some votes, but it isn't, it's merely going to force formally apathetic people who couldn't be fucked to vote, right into the booths they once ignored, in a desperate attempt to get rid of that fucker who made them miss their wedding, lose a days pay, or have to stay home when they were supposed to be taking the kids around a national park.  

This type of thing might be expected from pretend countries like Belgium, but you really expect better from those that were spawned by those of British stock. Sure the British get called arrogant, but considering the entire Anglosphere (That's Canada, America, New Zealand, Australia and Britain for those of you that are not well educated like what I is) enjoys a great quality of life, what's wrong with being arrogant? Are Bentley being arrogant when they point out that their flagship Rs 3.1 is better than the Austin Allegro? Its got nothing to do with elitism or patriotism, and everything to do with cynical common sense. Ask yourself a simple question, are people desperately trying to get into your nation or out of it?

If the answer is "they are so desperate to get in they will cram themselves into a giant floating bathtub with 499 of their mates and sail across a sizeable body of water while being led by a toothless illiterate without a map" then you probably live somewhere pretty nice as well. And that takes me nicely onto another story... 

500 African migrants sank their giant rusty bathtub near Italy, and everyone pretended to actually give a shit even though it has been happening for decades and nobody does anything about it other than lock the fuckers in chains when they arrive and ship them off back to where they started as quickly as possible so they dont remind people that tens of millions of people are dying of starvation and it might put them off their pasta/baguettes/tea/sausages the fuck they eat everywhere else in Europe.

 I actually feel sorry for these people, but being a cynical realist, I also realize that there seems to be fuck all we can actually do about it other than having an open door policy, but surely considering the population of Europe is 730 million, and the population of Africa is over a billion, wont that just mean that Europe will be as fucked as Africa? And then what do we do? All fuck off somewhere else? It seems as though the problem is beyond us, aid isn't doing the job because the money all gets spent on sunglasses, and we don't have the resources or the inclination to rebuild them from the ground up. 

 So the way I see it, we should regretfully keep the gates closed. Its either 1 billion people live in shit, starve, and catch ebola, or 1.73 billion people live in shit, starve, and catch ebola. So... theres no point in fucking everyone is there? 

The tragic funeral of April Jones took place this week, and sadly it looked tacky and silly. I don't mean to mock her obviously grieving parents, but this "look at me" mentality really needs to stop. Solemn occasions should look solemn, and the poor girl isn't around to worry about how child friendly the proceedings are. White carriages and ponies and pink ribbons don't look good at funerals for two reasons. First of all, its an awful tragedy and I don't  think any amount of pink is going to make people feel any better about it. And secondly, if the vast majority of the British public got their wish and Mark Bridger was dragged out of his cell and kicked to death in the streets after the burial, blood stains would come out of a black suit much easier than a white one. 

 The problem with the anti-capital punishment hippies is that their argument has always been a bad one. They like to say "Oh jail isn't about punishment man! Yeah...it's all about like...help and like... rehabilitation... dude". Yet they celebrate and cheer when someone like Bridger is given a life sentence with no possibility of parole ever. I'm not particularly right of center, I don't think that revenge should figure into the equation, but I think people like him are clearly broken, so what is the point in leaving them in prison forever? You can rehabilitate a burglar or a crackhead  but you can never turn someone who wants to rape and kill children into an upstanding member of society and give them a job at the Wacky Warehouse, so what's the point in prison?

 Which is why I don't desire his death for petty vengeance or because I'm short sighted or bigoted, I desire it because he is broken, and can never be fixed. And as such, he should very solemnly and regretfully, be nailed to the fucking floor and have his head caved in with a hammer. 

In fact, we could make it a day the Welsh could be proud of, and have him bludgeoned to death with a variety of mining implements, before his decapitated head is kicked between two rugby posts. 

The attack in Kenya is finally over, and Interpol are now seeking several Americans and a British woman in connection with the atrocity. As always, the big danger with religious nutters is the fact that they have more loyalty to their religious brothers and sisters than they ever could have to their neighbors or their nation, so just like the Nights Watch, the bastards get everywhere. 

I've noticed a disturbing trend here, in that every single western woman I have ever met or read about who turns to terrorism is so fucking ugly their mother must have pulled the pram. 

I met a big fat American lady in Subway once, well.. I say met, it was more like a brief exchange of insults. She remarked that I shouldn't eat pork because it is disgusting, and I remarked that she had an arse like a rhinoceros. Anyway, I don't know whether or not the Muslims specifically target dog-ugly women, or dog-ugly women target Muslims safe in the knowledge they are practically guaranteed a shag because they fuck their partners through a hole in a big black sack. Its like the Greggs Paradox, are the people in Greggs fat because of Greggs, or do fat people get inexorably dragged into Greggs?

Regardless, there is a clear link between your overall attractiveness and the probability of you being a terrorist if you are a white woman who was not born into a Muslim family. If the police started some sort of "Ugly Watch" counterterrorism programme and systematically pulled over women that have got more toes than teeth, they may well break the back of Al-Qaeda in the West during the first week. 

In less serious news, scientists in China have grown a nose on the top of a mans forehead. Looking at the pictures, it really does look like a fully formed nose.

The first thing that sprang to my mind when I saw the picture was that the Chinese would no doubt use this technology to cheat more efficiently in the Olympics. Rather than do what they used to do and enter 11 year old gymnasts, or athletes with so many drugs pumping through their veins their bare feet scorch the very earth they walk upon, they could graft beneficial body parts onto their athletes. I presume that a nose headed swimmer would have a big advantage over the others because he wouldn't have to move his fucking shoulders to breathe when he was doing the front-crawl, but it could also be beneficial to other Chinese athletes. Imagine if they could graft tits onto the chests of the male relay team and have 4 hairy arsed blokes competing against the dainty ladies?

Finally, Asda and Tesco have got rid of their "psycho" fancy-dress costume after complaints from mental health charities. 

Apparently, a comedy outfit comprising of tatty clothing covered in blood, a mask and a fake meat cleaver is deeply offensive to people with mental health issues. I am well aware that the NHS is fucked, but I doubt the mentally impaired wander around the wards of Britains mental hospitals attired like the villains from an 80's slasher movie. I mean, sure their clothes might have holes in them, and they might well be covered in blood and filth because we can't afford to run them through the carwash more than twice a year, but surely even our incompetent health care professionals don't let them wander around with meat cleavers? 

 And I know that people love to be constantly offended all of the time nowadays because cretins seem to think that demanding you be stopped from talking constitutes a sterling victory in any debate, but how are comical depictions of anything offensive to the people who actually do said subject of mockery? Our milkman wears jeans and a polo shirt, but I doubt he would be incandescent with rage if a child depicted him in a big white suit and a hat. Is a stripy sweater and a mask offensive to the modern tracksuit wearing burglar? 

I thought i'd do a short midweek update rather than wait until Friday after the awful atrocities in Kenya.

Obviously it has been the biggest story of the past week, and some hostages are still trapped inside the centre. It may seem a little difficult to make light of such appalling and needless butchery, but still, you've got to laugh eh? 

 It seems almost childish to keep having a go at organised religion, its become the staple of comedians the world over. It's just become so easy to do that the game isn't really worth the candle anymore. A bit like having a game of darts with Muhammad Ali. Although, I wouldn't let him take his boxing gloves off either.. just to be sure. 

 Anyway, with that in mind, I'll leave the Muslims alone and pick on the politicians instead. Possibly just as easy a target, but I have to write something don't I? Unsurprisingly, after the awful killings of so many innocent civilians, the same tired, easily refuted crap was being spouted by the leaders of the free world. The first thing that David Cameron, Barack Obama, and every other politician tend to say after these things goes along such lines, and I'm quoting Mr Cameron here...

 "When the perpetrators claim that they do it in the name of a religion, they don't  they do it in the name of violence, and their warped view of the world, and they don't represent Muslims in Britain, or anywhere else in the world" 

 Did you get that? 

They don't represent Muslims. What planet is he on? And what does he gain from ramming this down our throats? Its not like the Tories are going to get any Muslim votes while George Galloway is around is it? Couldn't he say something along the lines of 

"The vast majority of Muslims aren't terrorists, but dogmatic belief in ancient desert scribblings is clearly providing a motive for these attacks" 

No, according to Dave, and indeed, everybody else, they might pray to Allah, eat a halal breakfast, force their wives to walk down the street looking like a levitating letterbox, and chant "Allahu Akhbar!" while they hose people down with hot lead, but they don't represent Muslims. 

Well who do they represent then? The Communication Workers Union? The largest conglomerate of Ice Cream Van Owners in the African Federation? 

It's apt that I mentioned Ice Cream Vans, because Muslims could start a fucking fight at one. 

A Mr Whippy Van could pull up in a street in Iraq and start offering free 99's to the locals, and someone would still end up getting bludgeoned to death. It would only take a perceived insult from someone who preferred the subtle tang of a Lemon Top, or perhaps a child asking for a chocolate wafer instead, and someone would wind up in a boiler suit. 

And lets not even think of what would happen if any of the kids turned up carrying Peppa Pig. 

Actually, that was a little insulting to Muslims. I'll balance it out by pointing out that every group which pays far too much attention to the desert God seems to be a negative force upon the earth. Some figures regarding the Catholic Church abuse scandal in the Republic of Ireland suggests that almost 1 in 3 people growing up at the height of the problem were abused by the clergy in some way, a truly staggering figure.

For those of you that struggle with maths, that basically means that If a priest didn't jam his fingers down your trousers personally, they probably went down your best mates drawers instead. 

Joking aside, I hope that there are no more civilian casualties and I'll address the issue again on Friday, things should be done by then.

After all, I just saw a Kenyan soldier running into the building holding his rifle like a bag of laundry and wearing his body armor back to front, so it should be sorted out soon. 

 Actually.. fuck it, I might wait until Sunday... 








  

  

 Syria has announced that they will hand over their chemical weapons to the United Nations, probably because without them they have already managed to shoot, stab, and blow up 100,000 people. It sounds strange to say it, but if they are doing such sterling work without chemical weapons, why did they need them anyway? And more importantly, why does nobody give a shit about 100,000 people being shot, stabbed, and blown up for 12 months, but as soon as Assad uses chemicals to kill a few hundred, the world is in uproar? Do the dead actually care about the method that was used to put them in their mass-graves? In fact, fuck it. If I had to choose between a sack full of anthrax getting launched through my bedroom window, or getting set on fire and bayoneted, I'd go with the anthrax. 

At least I wouldn't have to get out of fucking bed. 

Amanda Hutton, 43, from Bradford, denies the manslaughter of her son Hamzah, whose mummified body was found in a cot almost two years after he died. Apparently the night he died, she got pissed, smoked a few spliffs and then rang a pizza. To be fair, if your infant son has just died, I suppose you could be forgiven for turning to drugs and booze for a bit. 

You don't want to have to deal with infant bereavement sober do you?
 
Thing is though, when you finally get the courage to pick up the phone after three fingers of whisky and a couple of doobies, surely you ring a FUCKING AMBULANCE, and not a 12" meat feast with a stuffed crust. 

Joking aside, I don't see why I'm called intolerant for suggesting these fuckers get forcibly sterilized. I'm talking about stopping potential harm coming to innocent children, and let's face it, her ovaries will only ever produce genetic deadwood anyway. I can't see anyone with an IQ over 65 popping round for a shag. In fact, let's cut out the middleman altogether, we should be doing post-birth abortions on the fucking parents, say up to the age of about 40?  

The pope has just said that he feels that the Catholic Church is too "focused" on abortion. Surely he means obsessed to the point of being absolutely off their tits? It qualifies as one of the most understated comments of the last... well, I was going to say 12 months, but it's been a pretty fucked up year, so let's just stick with ten days. If the Catholic church is only "focused" on abortions, then Amy Winehouse was merely "fond" of neat spirits, Elvis could "take or leave" deep-fried bananas, and Freddie Mercury was only "partial" to big veiny cocks. 

The MEP Godfrey Bloom is being lambasted in the press because some women joked that they refuse to clean up around the house, so he said he was surrounded by sluts, and everybody laughed, until the BBC found out. Now, he's hardly a comedic genius Godfrey, but it was easily the best one I've heard from any of the entirely sedate parasites that infest the European Parliament. At least it shows that his brain is still functioning, and thinking that joke up will have required more effort than the ten MEP's who sit next to him expend on an average day in Brussels. Is it eurosceptic to point out that they don't actually do any work in the European parliament other than keep the local prostitutes nicely topped up? 

More amusingly, people who don't just say things, but actually DO things, seem to get less shit than their more proactive compatriots these days. The footballer Marlon King has a penchant for breaking women's noses in nightclubs, but it doesn't seem to slow him down any. Make a poor joke about women being sluts for not cleaning the kitchen (eh?) and you are in for some serious frontpage shit off the BBC. Politically he would probably have been better off if he had followed his somewhat untidy lady friend outside, jammed three digits up her skirt, and then booted her from Regent Street to Oxford Circus. He could follow it up with a few insincere apologies, and perhaps blame it on drugs, or booze, or a troubled upbringing, and then soak up the media attention and all would be forgiven. As opposed to now, where he refuses to apologize (because he didn't actually do anything) and is treated as a pariah by all within his party for making a quip, and nothing else. 

The only other story of note this week is the predictable ramblings of the chinless wonder, Red-Ed Miliband. He explained to the BBC, in somewhat roundabout terms that he plans to reverse the controversial housing charges, incorrectly referred to as a "bedroom tax" by; you guessed it, charging other people more money. First of all, a tax is something that you pay out of your income, if you have existed on the state-tit for a decade, how the fuck is it a tax? Surely it's just a little bit less of the free income you have been getting? You can't tax a gift; you can just give them a little bit less. If I told you I was going to buy you 5 pints, but had ran out of money by pint 3, because I stuck a few quid in the fruit machines, (an apt description of Gordon Browns "desperate gambler" approach to state finances) I haven't just "robbed" you of two pints, I've merely been slightly less generous than I intended to be in the first place. 

And if there aren't any social houses left, and nobody has the money to build more, what other options are there?  If you do not have the money to build houses (we don't) and you do not have enough houses (we do) then surely putting more people in the existing houses is literally the only way to solve the issue? I don't actually see why people need, or deserve, spare bedrooms in state funded houses when there are homeless people in the world. 

What the fuck do they need them for? Shoes? Or is that the room where they like to keep the mummified children? 

If Mick Philpott hadn't been given all of those spare rooms, he might not have felt the urge to keep filling the fucking things with children, and then he wouldn't have had to light them all. So technically, its all our fault really.  

If you subscribe to Labour economics, answer this question for me.

A 25 stone man on a council estate asks me to buy him 20 packs of butter so he can unwrap them and eat them like Mars bars while he watches the football. I buy them for him, because I'm just a big softie really, but when I turn up to hand them over, he said he was actually THINKING of eating 30 packs of butter. How many packs of butter did I just cheat him out of?

If you answered "10 packs" then congratulations, you are better qualified to run the treasury than Ed Balls.