The tragic funeral of April Jones took place this week, and sadly it looked tacky and silly. I don't mean to mock her obviously grieving parents, but this "look at me" mentality really needs to stop. Solemn occasions should look solemn, and the poor girl isn't around to worry about how child friendly the proceedings are. White carriages and ponies and pink ribbons don't look good at funerals for two reasons. First of all, its an awful tragedy and I don't  think any amount of pink is going to make people feel any better about it. And secondly, if the vast majority of the British public got their wish and Mark Bridger was dragged out of his cell and kicked to death in the streets after the burial, blood stains would come out of a black suit much easier than a white one. 

 The problem with the anti-capital punishment hippies is that their argument has always been a bad one. They like to say "Oh jail isn't about punishment man! Yeah...it's all about like...help and like... rehabilitation... dude". Yet they celebrate and cheer when someone like Bridger is given a life sentence with no possibility of parole ever. I'm not particularly right of center, I don't think that revenge should figure into the equation, but I think people like him are clearly broken, so what is the point in leaving them in prison forever? You can rehabilitate a burglar or a crackhead  but you can never turn someone who wants to rape and kill children into an upstanding member of society and give them a job at the Wacky Warehouse, so what's the point in prison?

 Which is why I don't desire his death for petty vengeance or because I'm short sighted or bigoted, I desire it because he is broken, and can never be fixed. And as such, he should very solemnly and regretfully, be nailed to the fucking floor and have his head caved in with a hammer. 

In fact, we could make it a day the Welsh could be proud of, and have him bludgeoned to death with a variety of mining implements, before his decapitated head is kicked between two rugby posts. 

The attack in Kenya is finally over, and Interpol are now seeking several Americans and a British woman in connection with the atrocity. As always, the big danger with religious nutters is the fact that they have more loyalty to their religious brothers and sisters than they ever could have to their neighbors or their nation, so just like the Nights Watch, the bastards get everywhere. 

I've noticed a disturbing trend here, in that every single western woman I have ever met or read about who turns to terrorism is so fucking ugly their mother must have pulled the pram. 

I met a big fat American lady in Subway once, well.. I say met, it was more like a brief exchange of insults. She remarked that I shouldn't eat pork because it is disgusting, and I remarked that she had an arse like a rhinoceros. Anyway, I don't know whether or not the Muslims specifically target dog-ugly women, or dog-ugly women target Muslims safe in the knowledge they are practically guaranteed a shag because they fuck their partners through a hole in a big black sack. Its like the Greggs Paradox, are the people in Greggs fat because of Greggs, or do fat people get inexorably dragged into Greggs?

Regardless, there is a clear link between your overall attractiveness and the probability of you being a terrorist if you are a white woman who was not born into a Muslim family. If the police started some sort of "Ugly Watch" counterterrorism programme and systematically pulled over women that have got more toes than teeth, they may well break the back of Al-Qaeda in the West during the first week. 

In less serious news, scientists in China have grown a nose on the top of a mans forehead. Looking at the pictures, it really does look like a fully formed nose.

The first thing that sprang to my mind when I saw the picture was that the Chinese would no doubt use this technology to cheat more efficiently in the Olympics. Rather than do what they used to do and enter 11 year old gymnasts, or athletes with so many drugs pumping through their veins their bare feet scorch the very earth they walk upon, they could graft beneficial body parts onto their athletes. I presume that a nose headed swimmer would have a big advantage over the others because he wouldn't have to move his fucking shoulders to breathe when he was doing the front-crawl, but it could also be beneficial to other Chinese athletes. Imagine if they could graft tits onto the chests of the male relay team and have 4 hairy arsed blokes competing against the dainty ladies?

Finally, Asda and Tesco have got rid of their "psycho" fancy-dress costume after complaints from mental health charities. 

Apparently, a comedy outfit comprising of tatty clothing covered in blood, a mask and a fake meat cleaver is deeply offensive to people with mental health issues. I am well aware that the NHS is fucked, but I doubt the mentally impaired wander around the wards of Britains mental hospitals attired like the villains from an 80's slasher movie. I mean, sure their clothes might have holes in them, and they might well be covered in blood and filth because we can't afford to run them through the carwash more than twice a year, but surely even our incompetent health care professionals don't let them wander around with meat cleavers? 

 And I know that people love to be constantly offended all of the time nowadays because cretins seem to think that demanding you be stopped from talking constitutes a sterling victory in any debate, but how are comical depictions of anything offensive to the people who actually do said subject of mockery? Our milkman wears jeans and a polo shirt, but I doubt he would be incandescent with rage if a child depicted him in a big white suit and a hat. Is a stripy sweater and a mask offensive to the modern tracksuit wearing burglar?