Syria has announced that they will hand over their chemical weapons to the United Nations, probably because without them they have already managed to shoot, stab, and blow up 100,000 people. It sounds strange to say it, but if they are doing such sterling work without chemical weapons, why did they need them anyway? And more importantly, why does nobody give a shit about 100,000 people being shot, stabbed, and blown up for 12 months, but as soon as Assad uses chemicals to kill a few hundred, the world is in uproar? Do the dead actually care about the method that was used to put them in their mass-graves? In fact, fuck it. If I had to choose between a sack full of anthrax getting launched through my bedroom window, or getting set on fire and bayoneted, I'd go with the anthrax. 

At least I wouldn't have to get out of fucking bed. 

Amanda Hutton, 43, from Bradford, denies the manslaughter of her son Hamzah, whose mummified body was found in a cot almost two years after he died. Apparently the night he died, she got pissed, smoked a few spliffs and then rang a pizza. To be fair, if your infant son has just died, I suppose you could be forgiven for turning to drugs and booze for a bit. 

You don't want to have to deal with infant bereavement sober do you?
 
Thing is though, when you finally get the courage to pick up the phone after three fingers of whisky and a couple of doobies, surely you ring a FUCKING AMBULANCE, and not a 12" meat feast with a stuffed crust. 

Joking aside, I don't see why I'm called intolerant for suggesting these fuckers get forcibly sterilized. I'm talking about stopping potential harm coming to innocent children, and let's face it, her ovaries will only ever produce genetic deadwood anyway. I can't see anyone with an IQ over 65 popping round for a shag. In fact, let's cut out the middleman altogether, we should be doing post-birth abortions on the fucking parents, say up to the age of about 40?  

The pope has just said that he feels that the Catholic Church is too "focused" on abortion. Surely he means obsessed to the point of being absolutely off their tits? It qualifies as one of the most understated comments of the last... well, I was going to say 12 months, but it's been a pretty fucked up year, so let's just stick with ten days. If the Catholic church is only "focused" on abortions, then Amy Winehouse was merely "fond" of neat spirits, Elvis could "take or leave" deep-fried bananas, and Freddie Mercury was only "partial" to big veiny cocks. 

The MEP Godfrey Bloom is being lambasted in the press because some women joked that they refuse to clean up around the house, so he said he was surrounded by sluts, and everybody laughed, until the BBC found out. Now, he's hardly a comedic genius Godfrey, but it was easily the best one I've heard from any of the entirely sedate parasites that infest the European Parliament. At least it shows that his brain is still functioning, and thinking that joke up will have required more effort than the ten MEP's who sit next to him expend on an average day in Brussels. Is it eurosceptic to point out that they don't actually do any work in the European parliament other than keep the local prostitutes nicely topped up? 

More amusingly, people who don't just say things, but actually DO things, seem to get less shit than their more proactive compatriots these days. The footballer Marlon King has a penchant for breaking women's noses in nightclubs, but it doesn't seem to slow him down any. Make a poor joke about women being sluts for not cleaning the kitchen (eh?) and you are in for some serious frontpage shit off the BBC. Politically he would probably have been better off if he had followed his somewhat untidy lady friend outside, jammed three digits up her skirt, and then booted her from Regent Street to Oxford Circus. He could follow it up with a few insincere apologies, and perhaps blame it on drugs, or booze, or a troubled upbringing, and then soak up the media attention and all would be forgiven. As opposed to now, where he refuses to apologize (because he didn't actually do anything) and is treated as a pariah by all within his party for making a quip, and nothing else. 

The only other story of note this week is the predictable ramblings of the chinless wonder, Red-Ed Miliband. He explained to the BBC, in somewhat roundabout terms that he plans to reverse the controversial housing charges, incorrectly referred to as a "bedroom tax" by; you guessed it, charging other people more money. First of all, a tax is something that you pay out of your income, if you have existed on the state-tit for a decade, how the fuck is it a tax? Surely it's just a little bit less of the free income you have been getting? You can't tax a gift; you can just give them a little bit less. If I told you I was going to buy you 5 pints, but had ran out of money by pint 3, because I stuck a few quid in the fruit machines, (an apt description of Gordon Browns "desperate gambler" approach to state finances) I haven't just "robbed" you of two pints, I've merely been slightly less generous than I intended to be in the first place. 

And if there aren't any social houses left, and nobody has the money to build more, what other options are there?  If you do not have the money to build houses (we don't) and you do not have enough houses (we do) then surely putting more people in the existing houses is literally the only way to solve the issue? I don't actually see why people need, or deserve, spare bedrooms in state funded houses when there are homeless people in the world. 

What the fuck do they need them for? Shoes? Or is that the room where they like to keep the mummified children? 

If Mick Philpott hadn't been given all of those spare rooms, he might not have felt the urge to keep filling the fucking things with children, and then he wouldn't have had to light them all. So technically, its all our fault really.  

If you subscribe to Labour economics, answer this question for me.

A 25 stone man on a council estate asks me to buy him 20 packs of butter so he can unwrap them and eat them like Mars bars while he watches the football. I buy them for him, because I'm just a big softie really, but when I turn up to hand them over, he said he was actually THINKING of eating 30 packs of butter. How many packs of butter did I just cheat him out of?

If you answered "10 packs" then congratulations, you are better qualified to run the treasury than Ed Balls.