The tragic funeral of April Jones took place this week, and sadly it looked tacky and silly. I don't mean to mock her obviously grieving parents, but this "look at me" mentality really needs to stop. Solemn occasions should look solemn, and the poor girl isn't around to worry about how child friendly the proceedings are. White carriages and ponies and pink ribbons don't look good at funerals for two reasons. First of all, its an awful tragedy and I don't  think any amount of pink is going to make people feel any better about it. And secondly, if the vast majority of the British public got their wish and Mark Bridger was dragged out of his cell and kicked to death in the streets after the burial, blood stains would come out of a black suit much easier than a white one. 

 The problem with the anti-capital punishment hippies is that their argument has always been a bad one. They like to say "Oh jail isn't about punishment man! Yeah...it's all about like...help and like... rehabilitation... dude". Yet they celebrate and cheer when someone like Bridger is given a life sentence with no possibility of parole ever. I'm not particularly right of center, I don't think that revenge should figure into the equation, but I think people like him are clearly broken, so what is the point in leaving them in prison forever? You can rehabilitate a burglar or a crackhead  but you can never turn someone who wants to rape and kill children into an upstanding member of society and give them a job at the Wacky Warehouse, so what's the point in prison?

 Which is why I don't desire his death for petty vengeance or because I'm short sighted or bigoted, I desire it because he is broken, and can never be fixed. And as such, he should very solemnly and regretfully, be nailed to the fucking floor and have his head caved in with a hammer. 

In fact, we could make it a day the Welsh could be proud of, and have him bludgeoned to death with a variety of mining implements, before his decapitated head is kicked between two rugby posts. 

The attack in Kenya is finally over, and Interpol are now seeking several Americans and a British woman in connection with the atrocity. As always, the big danger with religious nutters is the fact that they have more loyalty to their religious brothers and sisters than they ever could have to their neighbors or their nation, so just like the Nights Watch, the bastards get everywhere. 

I've noticed a disturbing trend here, in that every single western woman I have ever met or read about who turns to terrorism is so fucking ugly their mother must have pulled the pram. 

I met a big fat American lady in Subway once, well.. I say met, it was more like a brief exchange of insults. She remarked that I shouldn't eat pork because it is disgusting, and I remarked that she had an arse like a rhinoceros. Anyway, I don't know whether or not the Muslims specifically target dog-ugly women, or dog-ugly women target Muslims safe in the knowledge they are practically guaranteed a shag because they fuck their partners through a hole in a big black sack. Its like the Greggs Paradox, are the people in Greggs fat because of Greggs, or do fat people get inexorably dragged into Greggs?

Regardless, there is a clear link between your overall attractiveness and the probability of you being a terrorist if you are a white woman who was not born into a Muslim family. If the police started some sort of "Ugly Watch" counterterrorism programme and systematically pulled over women that have got more toes than teeth, they may well break the back of Al-Qaeda in the West during the first week. 

In less serious news, scientists in China have grown a nose on the top of a mans forehead. Looking at the pictures, it really does look like a fully formed nose.

The first thing that sprang to my mind when I saw the picture was that the Chinese would no doubt use this technology to cheat more efficiently in the Olympics. Rather than do what they used to do and enter 11 year old gymnasts, or athletes with so many drugs pumping through their veins their bare feet scorch the very earth they walk upon, they could graft beneficial body parts onto their athletes. I presume that a nose headed swimmer would have a big advantage over the others because he wouldn't have to move his fucking shoulders to breathe when he was doing the front-crawl, but it could also be beneficial to other Chinese athletes. Imagine if they could graft tits onto the chests of the male relay team and have 4 hairy arsed blokes competing against the dainty ladies?

Finally, Asda and Tesco have got rid of their "psycho" fancy-dress costume after complaints from mental health charities. 

Apparently, a comedy outfit comprising of tatty clothing covered in blood, a mask and a fake meat cleaver is deeply offensive to people with mental health issues. I am well aware that the NHS is fucked, but I doubt the mentally impaired wander around the wards of Britains mental hospitals attired like the villains from an 80's slasher movie. I mean, sure their clothes might have holes in them, and they might well be covered in blood and filth because we can't afford to run them through the carwash more than twice a year, but surely even our incompetent health care professionals don't let them wander around with meat cleavers? 

 And I know that people love to be constantly offended all of the time nowadays because cretins seem to think that demanding you be stopped from talking constitutes a sterling victory in any debate, but how are comical depictions of anything offensive to the people who actually do said subject of mockery? Our milkman wears jeans and a polo shirt, but I doubt he would be incandescent with rage if a child depicted him in a big white suit and a hat. Is a stripy sweater and a mask offensive to the modern tracksuit wearing burglar? 

I thought i'd do a short midweek update rather than wait until Friday after the awful atrocities in Kenya.

Obviously it has been the biggest story of the past week, and some hostages are still trapped inside the centre. It may seem a little difficult to make light of such appalling and needless butchery, but still, you've got to laugh eh? 

 It seems almost childish to keep having a go at organised religion, its become the staple of comedians the world over. It's just become so easy to do that the game isn't really worth the candle anymore. A bit like having a game of darts with Muhammad Ali. Although, I wouldn't let him take his boxing gloves off either.. just to be sure. 

 Anyway, with that in mind, I'll leave the Muslims alone and pick on the politicians instead. Possibly just as easy a target, but I have to write something don't I? Unsurprisingly, after the awful killings of so many innocent civilians, the same tired, easily refuted crap was being spouted by the leaders of the free world. The first thing that David Cameron, Barack Obama, and every other politician tend to say after these things goes along such lines, and I'm quoting Mr Cameron here...

 "When the perpetrators claim that they do it in the name of a religion, they don't  they do it in the name of violence, and their warped view of the world, and they don't represent Muslims in Britain, or anywhere else in the world" 

 Did you get that? 

They don't represent Muslims. What planet is he on? And what does he gain from ramming this down our throats? Its not like the Tories are going to get any Muslim votes while George Galloway is around is it? Couldn't he say something along the lines of 

"The vast majority of Muslims aren't terrorists, but dogmatic belief in ancient desert scribblings is clearly providing a motive for these attacks" 

No, according to Dave, and indeed, everybody else, they might pray to Allah, eat a halal breakfast, force their wives to walk down the street looking like a levitating letterbox, and chant "Allahu Akhbar!" while they hose people down with hot lead, but they don't represent Muslims. 

Well who do they represent then? The Communication Workers Union? The largest conglomerate of Ice Cream Van Owners in the African Federation? 

It's apt that I mentioned Ice Cream Vans, because Muslims could start a fucking fight at one. 

A Mr Whippy Van could pull up in a street in Iraq and start offering free 99's to the locals, and someone would still end up getting bludgeoned to death. It would only take a perceived insult from someone who preferred the subtle tang of a Lemon Top, or perhaps a child asking for a chocolate wafer instead, and someone would wind up in a boiler suit. 

And lets not even think of what would happen if any of the kids turned up carrying Peppa Pig. 

Actually, that was a little insulting to Muslims. I'll balance it out by pointing out that every group which pays far too much attention to the desert God seems to be a negative force upon the earth. Some figures regarding the Catholic Church abuse scandal in the Republic of Ireland suggests that almost 1 in 3 people growing up at the height of the problem were abused by the clergy in some way, a truly staggering figure.

For those of you that struggle with maths, that basically means that If a priest didn't jam his fingers down your trousers personally, they probably went down your best mates drawers instead. 

Joking aside, I hope that there are no more civilian casualties and I'll address the issue again on Friday, things should be done by then.

After all, I just saw a Kenyan soldier running into the building holding his rifle like a bag of laundry and wearing his body armor back to front, so it should be sorted out soon. 

 Actually.. fuck it, I might wait until Sunday... 








  

  

 Syria has announced that they will hand over their chemical weapons to the United Nations, probably because without them they have already managed to shoot, stab, and blow up 100,000 people. It sounds strange to say it, but if they are doing such sterling work without chemical weapons, why did they need them anyway? And more importantly, why does nobody give a shit about 100,000 people being shot, stabbed, and blown up for 12 months, but as soon as Assad uses chemicals to kill a few hundred, the world is in uproar? Do the dead actually care about the method that was used to put them in their mass-graves? In fact, fuck it. If I had to choose between a sack full of anthrax getting launched through my bedroom window, or getting set on fire and bayoneted, I'd go with the anthrax. 

At least I wouldn't have to get out of fucking bed. 

Amanda Hutton, 43, from Bradford, denies the manslaughter of her son Hamzah, whose mummified body was found in a cot almost two years after he died. Apparently the night he died, she got pissed, smoked a few spliffs and then rang a pizza. To be fair, if your infant son has just died, I suppose you could be forgiven for turning to drugs and booze for a bit. 

You don't want to have to deal with infant bereavement sober do you?
 
Thing is though, when you finally get the courage to pick up the phone after three fingers of whisky and a couple of doobies, surely you ring a FUCKING AMBULANCE, and not a 12" meat feast with a stuffed crust. 

Joking aside, I don't see why I'm called intolerant for suggesting these fuckers get forcibly sterilized. I'm talking about stopping potential harm coming to innocent children, and let's face it, her ovaries will only ever produce genetic deadwood anyway. I can't see anyone with an IQ over 65 popping round for a shag. In fact, let's cut out the middleman altogether, we should be doing post-birth abortions on the fucking parents, say up to the age of about 40?  

The pope has just said that he feels that the Catholic Church is too "focused" on abortion. Surely he means obsessed to the point of being absolutely off their tits? It qualifies as one of the most understated comments of the last... well, I was going to say 12 months, but it's been a pretty fucked up year, so let's just stick with ten days. If the Catholic church is only "focused" on abortions, then Amy Winehouse was merely "fond" of neat spirits, Elvis could "take or leave" deep-fried bananas, and Freddie Mercury was only "partial" to big veiny cocks. 

The MEP Godfrey Bloom is being lambasted in the press because some women joked that they refuse to clean up around the house, so he said he was surrounded by sluts, and everybody laughed, until the BBC found out. Now, he's hardly a comedic genius Godfrey, but it was easily the best one I've heard from any of the entirely sedate parasites that infest the European Parliament. At least it shows that his brain is still functioning, and thinking that joke up will have required more effort than the ten MEP's who sit next to him expend on an average day in Brussels. Is it eurosceptic to point out that they don't actually do any work in the European parliament other than keep the local prostitutes nicely topped up? 

More amusingly, people who don't just say things, but actually DO things, seem to get less shit than their more proactive compatriots these days. The footballer Marlon King has a penchant for breaking women's noses in nightclubs, but it doesn't seem to slow him down any. Make a poor joke about women being sluts for not cleaning the kitchen (eh?) and you are in for some serious frontpage shit off the BBC. Politically he would probably have been better off if he had followed his somewhat untidy lady friend outside, jammed three digits up her skirt, and then booted her from Regent Street to Oxford Circus. He could follow it up with a few insincere apologies, and perhaps blame it on drugs, or booze, or a troubled upbringing, and then soak up the media attention and all would be forgiven. As opposed to now, where he refuses to apologize (because he didn't actually do anything) and is treated as a pariah by all within his party for making a quip, and nothing else. 

The only other story of note this week is the predictable ramblings of the chinless wonder, Red-Ed Miliband. He explained to the BBC, in somewhat roundabout terms that he plans to reverse the controversial housing charges, incorrectly referred to as a "bedroom tax" by; you guessed it, charging other people more money. First of all, a tax is something that you pay out of your income, if you have existed on the state-tit for a decade, how the fuck is it a tax? Surely it's just a little bit less of the free income you have been getting? You can't tax a gift; you can just give them a little bit less. If I told you I was going to buy you 5 pints, but had ran out of money by pint 3, because I stuck a few quid in the fruit machines, (an apt description of Gordon Browns "desperate gambler" approach to state finances) I haven't just "robbed" you of two pints, I've merely been slightly less generous than I intended to be in the first place. 

And if there aren't any social houses left, and nobody has the money to build more, what other options are there?  If you do not have the money to build houses (we don't) and you do not have enough houses (we do) then surely putting more people in the existing houses is literally the only way to solve the issue? I don't actually see why people need, or deserve, spare bedrooms in state funded houses when there are homeless people in the world. 

What the fuck do they need them for? Shoes? Or is that the room where they like to keep the mummified children? 

If Mick Philpott hadn't been given all of those spare rooms, he might not have felt the urge to keep filling the fucking things with children, and then he wouldn't have had to light them all. So technically, its all our fault really.  

If you subscribe to Labour economics, answer this question for me.

A 25 stone man on a council estate asks me to buy him 20 packs of butter so he can unwrap them and eat them like Mars bars while he watches the football. I buy them for him, because I'm just a big softie really, but when I turn up to hand them over, he said he was actually THINKING of eating 30 packs of butter. How many packs of butter did I just cheat him out of?

If you answered "10 packs" then congratulations, you are better qualified to run the treasury than Ed Balls.