Light in Tone
I recently had a few short monologues (3)
accepted by a publisher for a comedy book. Obviously I not a professional comedian of legendary repute so I had several rejected as well,
apparently because they were not "light enough in tone."
It seems bad manners to publish the accepted ones, but I shall happily reprint the rejects here.
Personally, I figure they were not too obscene, merely not very funny, but I shall let the very small group of people
that bother to read the shite that I write make your own minds up.
Here is the
first and shortest one I wrote, entitled:
Don't Visit Japan Son, Bomb it.
When I was a kid a friend of mine was threw
off the school team just because he had a beer despite the fact he was nearly
17 years old.
Lets face it, if a teenager can get drafted
and shipped off to Iraq or Syria or wherever else we happen to be bombing the
shit out of that week, its a bit fucking harsh denying the lad a pint if he
makes it home with both of his bollocks still attached.
Modern parents and governmental organizations alike seem to
think that young guys in their late teens shouldn't have any leeway at
all to drink or smoke, despite the fact both practices are legal and young people have done
such things for centuries. Fucking hell, they used to make children work in
coal mines and fight in wars, I doubt they would deny anyone a beer who
was shoveling fucking coal 18 hours a day either.
Parents are short-sighted too, they love
talking about "the good old days" when their dad would scrub himself
in ice cold water in a rusty tin bath after a 12 hour shift in a corned
beef factory, and anyone listening is well aware that the good old
days sound pretty fucking awful. Usually parents can't type more than ten
words a minute either, but they like going on Facebook to spy on their
offspring and "like" all of those shit MEMEs that poke fun at the
younger generation. They always say things like "In my day we used to
drink from the hose and we turned out fine" or "I shared my drink
with 8 kids and a stray dog and nobody died" and it's total fucking
nonsense. Are we sure Osama Bin Laden never drank from a garden hose? My
granddad used to do the same, he would endlessly complain that kids were
visiting Japan or learning German in school, as if flying over Japan to drop an
atom bomb on it was a more productive way to spend your time than going on a
fucking field trip.
I don’t for a second believe all of the
conservatives who complain about anything and everything
the millennial generation enjoys buy any of their own nonsense
either. In Victorian Britain they were all a bunch of perverts and junkies
behind closed doors, but everything was all prim and proper in the streets. I
think it's probably the same in America today. If some pastor or preacher
constantly whines about sex, drugs, and rock and roll, it stands to reason he
spends his evenings snorting coke off a prostitutes tits while listening
to Slayer.
It is pure hypocrisy, kids have always been
the same, and some old crusty who complains about teenagers being
"soft" because they dont want to share a bottle of Pepsi with six
friends probably turned his nose up exactly the same. And if they didn't,
well they probably didnt live long enough to sire children because they
caught hepatitis.
Maybe they like to complain about the small
things because it stops us talking about the big things. Like if your grandpa
says "Oh yeah I was a rebel when I was your age, I never used to bother
wearing a helmet when I was out on my bike" then he doesn't have
to say "Oh yeah I was a rebel when I was your age, I pushed a
disabled lesbian down four flights of stairs."
