In Defense of Walt...

It's Only Some Stolen Valor

In a post that would shock and surprise many of my former military comrades if anybody actually read my fucking blog, I am now going to compose an article in defense of that most mocked of creatures, the Walt.

 The term is most popular in the UK, but I believe it is becoming increasingly common in the United States. Although over here, in a typically American manner, the much more direct and grammatically correct term "Stolen Valor" is more commonly used to refer to the actions of those who claim to be soldiers but are anything but. I believe the term Walt derives from the story of Walter Mitty a meek friendless man in reality, who lives a vivid and boisterous fantasy life inside his own head.

"We were running Black Ops out of Saigon.. Dave was out of ammo and Mikey was bleeding out, so I pulled down a tree, swung it.. musta killed me 50 or 60 of the muthafukkas."

  The term is sometimes incorrectly used for people that serve but inflate their achievements. If anybody is interested, the term Bloater is usually reserved for these people. There was a famous instance of a Royal Marine being charged for claiming the rank of Sergeant, and also an American soldier adding unearned Ranger patches to his uniform for a homecoming meeting at his local airport.

 Anyway, as someone who had to grit his teeth and drag his fat, stumpy frame around every inch of Dartmoor in pursuit of the coveted green beret and went to Afghanistan twice (it was much nicer than North-east England) Iraq twice (Afghanistan with running water) Northern Ireland (Afghanistan with drunks) and Sierra Leone (African Afghanistan) many people may find it strange I would stick up for Walt and his consistently mocked kind. Indeed, even patriotic civilians love to pour scorn on poor old Walt, and barely a day goes by without some "viral" video of some possibly mentally ill, usually obese fellow, standing next to a war memorial or attending a parade, with several upside down medals pinned upon his chest, or "Kung-Fu Battalion" patches sewn upon his shoulders.

In Fallujah we called these fermented vegetable drinks "combat cocktails"

 But I confess I find the ire servicemen have for them to be most perplexing. I am comfortable enough with my own life and achievements in general that I care very little about whether or not some desperate loner is attempting to ride on my coattails, it seems like a small sin indeed in the grand scheme of things. Do one guys lies wipe clean a real soldiers impeccable service?

 So lets get to it. Like Atticus Finch (who is apparently much worse a person than Kim Kardashian nowadays, do me a fucking favor) I shall stand in defense of a man (men) that everybody just loves to hate, Walt.

Why? Well, that's pretty easy. I can do it in 3. 


1. Freedom, bitches

Everybody in the military loves to talk about freedom, especially in America. As a true libertarian who believes that anything is kosher as long as it doesn't harm anybody else, I think that free citizens should always have the right to be lying bastards. I might not like it, but there you go, people tell lies, we might as well accept it.

 How many people tell lies on a daily basis? Is telling small lies illegal? When you meet someone for the very first time at the office and they tell you their favorite TV show is Glee, or they show you a family picture and point at their "beautiful" wife and she happens to have a face like a smacked arse, do you answer honestly and say "You watch shit TV" or "Your wife looks like a woodpecker tried to make a nest in her face."

 Of course you don't. 

 We might not like it, but free people have the right to tell lies. If they wear the uniform to defraud someone, or perhaps engage in some kind of elaborate fraud (dressing as a serviceman to elicit charitable donations and pocket the cash for example) I am all for throwing those assholes in the brig, but for trying to get laid?

"I've got trials with Manchester United next week luv... Alex... ff..f.. Ferguson said I'm gonna be the next Ronaldo"

Men tell lies to women all of the time, and serving soldiers do it too. Plenty of times I've sat in pubs and listened to Army Signalers and Vehicle Mechanics tell women "I was clearing the caves in Afghanistan with a shotgun, it was hard, close quarter fighting baby." How many soldiers lie about having their wings, how many sailors tell girls they are Marines?

 It seems terribly hypocritical to get hugely outraged about men telling lies, when men tell lies in all kinds of other ways, they just don't involve uniforms. If we locked people up for telling lies when trying to get laid, then every man in America would be in prison, and I would never have got married. 

 I wasn't going to tell her it was only 2 inches long on the first fucking date was I? 

2. Publicity 

Many people might not have noticed, but we have a serious recruitment problem. For some inexplicable reason, modern western kids just aren't interested in sitting in a trench surrounded by flesh eating flies while bearded desert-dwelling fanatics throw grenades at them. 

 Walts provide great publicity. No news is bad news when you want publicity, just ask Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and anybody else who essentially became famous by shagging in front of a camera.

 Shit, if I was guaranteed to get a few million bucks out of it I would probably suck an ice hockey player off on television as well.

"Well, I suppose if its going to help those kids walk again......."

Videos featuring Walts regularly go viral, generating an enormous amount of publicity and filling young men with an urge to quickly head to the nearest recruiting office and show those pansies how its really done. 

 Well, second stop after they drive around to the Walts house and kick his head in, obviously.

3. Free Manpower

Obviously not free manpower in the strictest sense, because frankly I would rather stand in-front of the Taliban than in-front of a pasty, deranged fantasist in an eBayed uniform with an automatic rifle he has never been trained to fire.

 No, I mean free manpower for all of the really lame things, like standing outside a school to deter another pasty deranged fantasist in an eBayed uniform with an automatic rifle he has never been trained to fire. Or free manpower for attending one of those memorial parades where the Ministry of Defence charges for sending real soldiers, so they rely on the old, the lonely, and the Walt to make up the numbers. 

 I'm presuming that fake soldiers are better than no soldiers at all if you want to march down Halifax high-street in the rain on a Sunday morning and salute the grizzled wheelchair-bound veteran who thought nobody was going to show up. 

 Indeed, once you get past 90 your vision is so bad you are probably utterly incapable of registering the fact that everyone has their medals on upside down and one of the teenagers sports an Iron Cross and something from the Boer War. 

"I got this one for shooting, this one for surfing, and this one for coming top at seal clubbing school in 'Nam" 

 In such a case, I make the argument that seeing a decent turn-out for a parade in their honor is a good thing, and it will make their heart swell with pride. They expected nobody to show up, and are instead greeted by legions of fine, upstanding young men who have not forgotten their sacrifices.

 Lets face it, most young people fucking have.

  If I get to 90 I would love to be greeted by a group of earnest young men who assure me that the efforts of my brothers and I were not in vain and many of them died for a reason. The Walts might make the difference between an acceptable turn-out and no turn-out at all. 

 So lets not be too harsh on Walt. If I get to a parade and I am lucky enough to see it well-staffed, I wont be looking too harshly at everbody's uniforms, like most cynical old soldiers Ill simply be happy that somebody showed up at all. 

Conclusion

 So, there we have it. My premise is simply this, mock Walt by all means, send your friends the videos, hit "share" on Facebook and have a chuckle. But let it end there. Public shaming has already gotten out of hand,  and prison?Considering we are running out of space for terrorists, pedophiles, pushers, and pimps, I consider the humble lying bastard to be beneath my notice. 

 Do you disagree? Do Walts grind your gears/curl your commando flashes/peel your patches? I'm happy to engage in spirited debate, leave a comment and I shall happily tell you to fuck off and leave me alone. 

 Unless of course you served during Operation Flaming Fists of Fury, at which point I might be too scared to enter into debate with such a badass.*


*It was actually called Operation Flying Fists of Fury, fuck off Walt.